Flappy Bird: Red Hot Rage on your Smartphone


If you have come into contact with the horrible smattering of pixels above then you will probably understand the title of the article.  Looking at Flappy Bird (which is available for iOS and Android) you can see that it is a terrible game, and the cover matches the book in this instance.  The mechanics are mind numbingly  simple to the point of being lazy game design, the graphics appear to be ripped right out of a Super Mario Bros. ROM.  Flappy should be dime a dozen shovelware that you can find hundreds of copies of any day of the year.  Despite its lack of merit it is currently the number one game in the Android marketplace.

In Flappy Bird you are a bird.  Every time you tap the bird jumps up a little bit.  If left to his own devices gravity takes over and he falls to the floor and your bird is no more.  As you proceed Mario-esque pipes travel across the screen at a consistent rate with openings just large enough for you to travel through.  Tap too early or tap too late and you are dead.  On paper this is a boring game. I am sure that if I looked at myself objectively this would seem like a grand waste of time.

One your first few tries you will be lucky to get a score of one.  In thirty minutes you may get five. Depending on your tapping skill you eventually may get ten.  By that time you will be hopelessly hooked. Even if you start to score high there will be times when you still get a score of one.  The game is unforgiving and cruel, the flapping bird mocks you with his cold dead eyes.  You play not because you love the game but because you want revenge.

At the time of this article I still only have a measly score of 38, one of my sons has a score in the mid hundreds, clearly some kind of fluke.  Since the game either makes me weep or cry out in rage it is unlikely it will get much higher.

In short this is less of a review and more of a cautionary tale.  These are the types of sacrifices I make for you and for the children, please think of the children.  You have been warned.


NOTE: The game creator and publisher has been accused of using bots and artificial means to boost the rating of the game.  Even if this is true the amount of verbal chatter about the game is still impressive, but the act of propping up your game via unethical means should be condemned.

UPDATE: No evidence of unethical behavior has been presented against the author, either the above mentioned bot rumor or stealing of in game assets.